Guldorand Herald 3
Back at it again! This news cycle is dominated by infernal heat even hotter than the recent jungle heat of Bendir - but enough about the weather, to the news!
BENDIR'S BREAKING BOVINE NEWS by Clarissa Longtoe
Bendir's altar to Sheela, the halfling deity of love and agriculture, was destroyed by an exile of the settlement. The loving deity showed her wrath at this failure to protect her altars by sending a heatwave against her people, turning the frozen cold into clammy heat. Myrtle, a local cow which was as of recently identifiably two hundred years old, died in said heatwave.
How did she survive that long? The secret to her longevity, which I do not necessarily recommend, was by signing an infernal pact, obviously! Readers who are rolling their eyes at us explaining the obvious will have to excuse us as we go over information known to all.
Decades ago a farmer and a warlock (along with that warlock's infernal patron), engineered a plan to take the soul of a dairy cow. A plan that apparently succeeded. Bendir has hired an infernal halfling to go to Hell to argue that since Myrtle wasn't a sentient being that lacked the intelligence to know that her hoof-print would sign off her soul, that the contract is null and void.
DEVILISH DRUNKARDS DEALT DEFEAT IN DIS by Duncan Evil
As a frequent guest to the Cloven Hoof in Dis, the premier city to get good deals in, I was privy to seeing a drinking contest among adventurers. After a short round of violent poetry, the gathered began drinking anything from ale to paint thinner disguised as a herbal liquer.
Ultimately the contest was not won by the duergar in attendance, shocking even someone as jaded as me, but a strange masked human who seemed to take no joy or even suffering in the drinks. Perhaps even stranger was that the humans were organized by an ogre that spoke in rather poetic language. I'll get back to drinking at the bar now.
SHORT FORM NEWS from the anonymous:
MYON Admiral has a locker full of corpses in quarters on his flagship, unnamed sources say.
GULDORAND woman loses election, gets enslaved by monsters.
PALADIN gets infected with mind poison in underground city of monster, then let back onto the surface.
CORDORIAN porcelain doll walked streets. When asked to reveal identity, simply screwed off head.
ANCESTRAL battle between elves and orcs on Red Dragon Isle ends in elven loss - supposedly lasted for months!
And that's all from the Guldorand Herald today! Remember, Guldoranderites - if something is too good to be true, better take it quick before reality realizes its mistake!
Day 1, Month 2 (Alturiak), 184 AR
''Guldorand Herald Editorial Board''