Musings in the Wall 95AR - 171AR

++ Preface ++

Dear reader.

I stumbled upon these texts during my travels and at first I didnt pay them much mind. One day I have found the place vandalized. It took me many months of reconstructing and its my pleasure to bring them to you here.

The dates mentioned underneath the each section is the estimated date of creation.

Miatza Cranstone, Summertide 174 AR.   

++ Epilogue ++

Perhaps a spark jumped?

Do you wish to see the section to the wall?

Its still there. Between two evils I rest in unimagined silence. I watch day by day, year by year. Noone seems to pay me mind, here at the longest bridge.

Musings on Duty

Once in, never out.

We give all that we have, all that we are, until we are left so empty and broken that we fall apart.
This does not stop us.

Even should our paths diverge, we remain vigilant alone, because it is in us, and had become us.

There is no shame in failure, in falling down.
The shame is in staying down, refusing to stand again and continue down the path.

Fools all, we chase a goal that can never be achieved.
But I see the truth, now.
My end is another's beginning.
That is my duty, and my victory.

        Day 3, Month 3 (Ches), 171 AR
        Anonymous       

2 Eleint 159 AR

It has been years. Decades have past, and I am the last one on this isle. I've many regrets and many doubts still. The roads still call to me but not as they once did. There is comfort to be had in the communion of others, and I can not walk these paths alone anymore.

Those of the sixth have all left me behind. Some lucky to abandon the call for a different one elsewhere, those most dying to the greatest of foes we saught to combat. I feel lonely now, abandoned. Yet still these roads I walk.

I even wear my pin still, yet in my own shame for being the last I keep it turned around. Even though I keep wearing it I can not feel I can represent the order as it should be. Maybe it is time to move on, maybe it is time for me to get back in line. I am unsure where these paths take me.

What I wish for the most is that those who've left do take some pride in me. The knight-commanders, my own knights. I was a pretty awful and needing squire. As he did say, "You are not taught to be a knight. You are born one, and trained to fit it." If only I let myself be as so.

Much as changed, and like the rest of the long lost words of past brothers and sisters I have doubts and concerns. Maybe it is time I let those go, and simply start to walk again. Maybe it is time.

Maybe I'm just an idiot.

        Day 2, Month 9 (Eleint), 159 AR
        Anonymous       

*A simple drawing*

On this scrap of parchment is the hurried sketch of a kobold in dark robes. It is bending over a cooking pot, over a crackling fire.

One word is underneath, in common; "Mire".

        Day 24, Month 3 (Ches), 146 AR
        Anonymous       

24, Nightal - 145 AR

I remember the evening. How brisk it was. I remember the tattoos of vermin that sullied her flesh. Gonne raised, she took aim between my eyes. I remember the fear I felt inside that touched my very sinew as I locked my sights on the dull glow of her eyes beneath her hood. My heart fluttered, drowning out all sound save for the pounding that echoed in my ears.

And yet the winds called to me... /Be Brave./

One cannot do any good dead. I surrendered my coinpurse, casting it at her feet. So easy for the likes of her to prey on so many. I have yet to run into her since. The final push which inspired the birth of the Seventh Order of the Knights of the Road.

/Be brave and upright that the Gods may love thee.../

I am haunted by him. The smiles he's shared. The friendship he has extended... It has poisoned me. Kept me from my Duty.

How I wish for things to be as they were before. No troubles seeping up from the depths of despair. Oh, how I have begged the Gods on bended knee that you were honest. How I have begged for you to allow us to break away the chains which you have instead embraced. You will forever be a puppet of the Queen of the Erinyes.

The last gift which I can offer, the greatest love and mercy which can be shown is to remain true to my promise.

You are a shadow of what you once were. I must end you before you destroy those that you hold dear. Before you destroy yourself.

[Tear stains have smudged the final paragraph, nearly rendering it unlegible.]

        Day 15, Month 1 (Hammer (Deepwinter)), 146 AR
        Anonymous       

13 Deepwinter, 121

For years, this wall has served as the place for our...darker thoughts, and our times of weakness. And even as I have finally decided to lay to rest the mantle that has lain upon my shoulders for years, I feel doubt and unease. But the decision is made, and I will put those doubts to paper.

I've always tried to do good, and do my best. Looking at the Isle now, I think I have failed. But I tried my best, and preserved what I could. Doubt eats away at me...but I have only one hope. Leonard, Uriah, Scout, Oliver. Where-ever all of you are, I hope you are looking down at me. I hope I managed to meet your expectations. I...hope you are proud of me.

For you have defined my life's ambition till a keen edge shone, and even as I lay this burden down, it will inform me...to the end of my days.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

Nightal 12th, 120

There are others. I know that. I see their marks echoed here, between the fading bricks.

I know that there are others. But I have not seen them. I know I am not alone. But I miss them, all the same. People I have never met.

Shallan. Let me put down here what I could never say. I am sorry. You offered me a chance to do some good, and I fled from it. You deserved a better squire. You deserved much better.

I am a coward. I know that, too. I broke every oath I ever took.

But I miss all of you, all the same.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

Hammer 17th, 120

Upon first month of my residency on this island, responsibility has been thrust upon me. I look to this wall, and the messages within and a font of hope springs from the trials and tribulations of those that came before me. The words etched into this shrine emboldens me.

To the souls that came before, I give my thanks. Upon the shoulders of giants, I see clearly the path. I will not falter upon your broad shoulders.

These secret places require protection, for the gift that has been borne this day must remain for those that come after.

I am found.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

The List

Roland Asen
Mary Blythe
Lucia Malaveaux
Morgan Gracehold

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

2 Hammer 116

A lot has happened in the last year. The Sixth Order now stands at, ironically six able and willing members, and I have become a Knight-Commander.

They look upon me with trust and respect, and it terrifies me. The blind leading the blind.

But I have to sure myself; there can be no doubts, no hesitation, no do-overs. They need me to lead the way in this crusade of ours.

Leo and Uriah are gone. Three people Lucia has now taken from me.

I hate everyone.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Scout  Merryweather       

23 Uktar, 115

I, Borin, the Wandering Wolf, was here. I have looked at this shrine in awe. I've read the words on the Wall with surprised emotion. The Order may be gone, but its history will always prevail. At least in the hearts of fellow Wanderers.

Those who follow the guidance of the Wind Rider will look upon this place as a place of worship.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Borin       

Tarsakh 14th, 115

I've given up hope on finding a squire. There are other better and far more exciting things going on aside from wandering the roads.

I can smell the cooking fires from the nearby encampent, and my imagination goes wild with what they could be making.

But I temper myself with the hope that the guards out here likely don't know how to cook.

I bet their meals tastes like boots.

I'm lonely.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

Alone.

Everyone else has left; gone, retired, dead. And now I alone hold the last tomes of the Road, the last Codex of the Way Shrines.

Before I have always comforted myself in knowing I would never be the last. I was certain I would not outlive or out last the rest of the Fifth.

But here I am.
     -S.Merryweather

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

Alone.

Everyone else has left; gone, retired, dead. And now I alone hold the last tomes of the Road, the last Codex of the Way Shrines.

Before I have always comforted myself in knowing I would never be the last. I was certain I would not outlive or out last the rest of the Fifth.

But here I am.
     -S.Merryweather

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

*A simple note*

Perhaps I will meet Deneir one day. But until then, my journey is only beginning.

The Fifth is gone, but perhaps another will arise one day. Until then, my journey is only beginning.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Alair Blackthorne       

*A bloodstained note*

A state of perpetual, endless entropy. The heart choosing, rejecting, pleading for forgiveness. Doubts and second-guessing become ever more commonplace.

Such is, more than likely, the price to pay for a conscience.

I want to meet my patron someday. In breath or in death, I wish to become closer to that which exists.

Presumably, ten minotaurs, five Morghuunic Cultists, and four tanar'ri closer.

        Day 8, Month 11 (Uktar), 139 AR
        Anonymous       

*Crumpled Note*

My heart, it ceases.

My soul, undrawn

My gaze forever focused

Upon those who from me, are gone.

        Day 18, Month 3 (Ches), 99 AR
        Anonymous       

One Year

One year has come and gone. I am curious still. Would you like to meet?

        Day 6, Month 8 (Elasias (Highsun)), 98 AR
        Anonymous       

*A crumpled sheet of parchment*

An ocean of darkness exists beneath me.

The raging torrent rises as it downpours from above, but I can tread the waters

On my back, or by holding my breath.

                         

There is no ceiling, though. I cannot drown.

Or is there?

        Day 24, Month 7 (Flamerule (Summertide)), 98 AR
        Anonymous       

Vengeance

I vindicated myself a tenday ago.

A man who harmed, ruined, and broke so many... So many I cared for. All of their pain and anguish... All of the lives taken... They were with me. I struck a blow. A single blow. He crumpled upon the ground.

But I did not kill him. I did not have it in me, somehow. I could have ended his life there, ended his reign of misery. Was I in the wrong? Is the fact that he /could/ have perished there revenge enough, or should I have gone much, much further?

Must there always be an unanswerable yet pressing question after any action I perform?

        Day 17, Month 5 (Mirtul), 97 AR
        Anonymous       

*Crumpled Note*

I quite literally stumbled upon this collection of notes after a minotaur threw me back against the wall. Everything came tumbling out about my feet.

Beholden by curiosity, I read through these records you had left, assuming them to be long-forgotten. However, I stopped upon noticing the rather recent dates on some.

Therefore, I beg you will forgive me for laying eyes upon your personal affairs.

May I give you a compliment? Your writing is of the utmost eloquence and distinction. If ink could play a song, your musings would be an orchestral masterpiece.

I hope you are well, though curiosity does tickle me yet. Perhaps I will be back.

        Day 3, Month 5 (Mirtul), 97 AR
        Anonymous       

Blur

I think that my heart is a capricious and canny hunter. It ensnared me in a very compromising way, causing me to love one that the wiser wouldn?t have. Yet I do believe there is a place for the care I have to offer another.

Pardon the wording, but I should have seen the Writing on the Wall long before now. Yet the emotion was strong enough to dull my senses that had grown canny and sensitive since the passing of so many others I loved.

I am told that my path is my own and unique. I no longer have a book to consult on my choices. The indistinct road is mine alone.

The fear and apprehension makes me feel closer to my origins than I have in years.

        Day 22, Month 3 (Ches), 97 AR
        Anonymous       

Betrayal

I feel as if I?ve been playing two sides off one another and yet have done so not for my own gain, but for both of theirs.

It is difficult to explain while staying vague. There are two sides, one benevolent and another more ambiguous. But there is someone on the latter end whom I care for - who I think I may love. Attempting to tell the former group of my observations feels as if I am committing a grave, dishonest betrayal against this ?someone? every time.

I am a soul that can be pulled and stretched in one direction very easily? But I am unsure of whether this elasticity may extend in two opposite directions at once.

        Day 22, Month 11 (Uktar), 96 AR
        Anonymous       

Mercy

I killed a man a tenday ago. He was a young one, a bandit? They assaulted me as bandits are wont to do whilst I traversed their territory along the bluff. I go to great lengths to not cause undue harm to my foes; often I find they die with the same expression they regarded me with whilst swinging, whether that be surprise or anger.

I closed the eyes of the corpses I had left in my wake as a sign of respect, but one man did not stay still. He was twitching, coughing up blood after my blow or two had caused him severe internal bleeding? Likely painful.

As he passed, I found I could do little but watch. I did not feel right in striking him a coup-de-grace? But I also did not feel right in watching him die in the throes of pain, whispering hallucinated glimpses as he lay there.

Your lack of a response does not trouble me, Wall? But it also does not register well upon my mental state to expect a reply.

        Day 7, Month 2 (Alturiak), 96 AR
        Anonymous       

*Brittle roll of parchment*

Dear Wall,

It is well that the rain is able to express my heart's feelings in my stead. I have felt pangs of guilt for a very long time now when I imagine those who came before me, or those who gave their lives for others.

Their separation from me by means outside my control have torn at my heart and being for years - Why? I have cried myself to a restless dreamscape night after night because I feel too much - Because I care too much.

As tears course down your mortar... I see that you too sympathize and can cry upon my shoulder.

        Day 25, Month 8 (Elasias (Highsun)), 95 AR
        Anonymous       

*Parchment crammed into the crevice*

Dear Wall,

I like to imagine that your bricks represent an event in life. It feels almost as if I had made you. I know not how many years have passed you by, but I like to be optimistic in thinking that my own fortifications will be as sturdy as yours. Horned Beasts and the elements have yet to rid you of your purpose, if not your story.

Yet, you are slowly falling apart. You are lacking something, anything, to fill the cracks that the world has torn into you. It must be lonely being a wall, and I both sympathize and empathize with you. I think my own cracks are beginning to show to others.

Until then, let my idle musings be a glue for what ails you.

        Day 12, Month 7 (Flamerule (Summertide)), 95 AR
        Anonymous