Three Tales of Andunor by Valgloth Sh'yalva

Preface

Three Tales of Andunor is a collection of plays that I wrote from 185 to 188AR. They are inspired and dedicated to the formidable mistresses and Matron of House Sh'yalva, who cast long shadows over the city of Andunor and have remained steadfast in their faith to our Queen. These three comedies serve as important parables of Lolthite teachings, and further serve as an exposition of the rightful order of drow social society.

        Day 22, Month 1 (Hammer (Deepwinter)), 188 AR (1388 DR)
        Valgloth Sh'yalva       

The Matron

By Valgloth Sh'yalva, 185AR.

Scene I - The Matron's Chamber

[Enter Xyrthrin, an ambitious male drow, bowing exaggeratedly before Matron Vildrae, an imposing drow matron. Xyrthrin bows so far forward that he falls face on the ground. He then gets up.]

Xyrthrin: (groveling) Oh, most dark Matron Vildrae, whose beauty could make a beholder weep and whose power rivals House Freth itself, I bring you an offer most... offery!

Matron Vildrae: Ugh, what is it now, Xyrthrin? Speak quickly before I use your head as a footstool.

Xyrthrin: I shall steal the Goblet of Endless Schemes, a most valuable artifact, from those goblins of the Sharps District! A gift most worthy of your grace!

Matron Vildrae: Hmm... if you succeed, perhaps I will grant you favor. If you fail? (shrugs) Well, failure is not an option.

Xyrthrin: (nervously laughing) Ah-ha-ha... ha... ha... You'll have it, I swear this to you!

[Xyrthrin bows his head and backs away from Matron Vildrae. He then begins talking to the audience as if whispering to himself.]

Xyrthrin: Once I steal this goblet from the goblins, I will gain the Matron's favour and become the most powerful male in the Devil's Table, and perhaps the second most powerful drow in Andunor!

Scene II - The Sharps District

[Xyrthrin sneaks into the goblin lair. He stubs his toe on an anvil and then trips over a sleeping goblin. The goblin wakes up and then rushes to bring its leader.]

Goblin Leader: (grinning toothily) Well, well, look what sneak into our den!

Xyrthrin: (dusting himself off, chuckling nervously) Greetings! I, uh, come in peace!

Goblin Leader: Peace? Let's tear you a new piece!

[A brawl ensues. Xyrthrin tries to escape but stubs his toe on the same anvil. He is wrestled to the ground by the goblin and the goblin leader, and they begin playing Xyrthrin's head as if it were a drum.]

Scene III - Exile and Revelation

[Matron Vildrae is livid and pacing furiously. Xyrthrin is battered and kneeling before her.]

Matron Vildrae: You are worthless! A worthless male! Get out of my house! Get out of the Table! You are henceforth an exile!

[Matron Vildrae picks up an anvil and throws it at Xyrthrin. He falls to the ground, gets up, and then casts haste on himself. He then begins running around in circles before eventually stopping.]

Xyrthrin: (groaning) Well... that certainly could have been better.

[A long pause. Then, a moment of revelation. Xyrthrin suddenly cheers.]

Xyrthrin: Wait a minute... if only females can have such power as matrons... (he rubs chin dramatically) ... then I shall become one!

[A messy dress-up sequence ensues. Xyrthrin throws clothes all over the stage before dressing himself up as a powerful female.]

Xyrthrin: (Voice booming) I am Matron Xtina... of House A'guilertha!

Scene IV - Rise of House A'guilertha

[Matron Xtina stands before a crowd of disgruntled male drow, promising them power. Some of then are kneeling.]

Matron Xtina: Join me, you stupid males, and I will deliver you power! Unlimited power!

The Group of Males: (In unison) Long live Matron Xtina! Long live House A'guilertha!

Matron Xtina: Together, we will take over the Devil's Table and we will get rid of that stain upon Lolth's name, that Matron Vildrae!

[The group of male drow cheer and draw their weapons.]

Scene V - The Final Showdown

[House A'guilertha and Matron Vildrae's house engage in a battle. It looks like House A'guilertha gains the upper hand as Matron Vildrae's forces face heavy casualties. However, in the chaos of the battle, Matron Xtina trips over an anvil and her clothes go flying off, revealing that she is actually a male.]

[Everyone gasps. A long pause.]

Matron Vildrae: (gleeful laughter) Ha, really?! Xyrthrin, you thought you could out-drow me?!

Xyrthrin: (nervous chuckle) Ah-ha... umm... Lolth tlu malla?

[Xyrthrin's forces grumble and they all defect to Matron Vildrae's side. They point their weapons at him. Matron Vildrae cackles triumphantly.]

Matron Vildrae: I'm about to give you the ending you deserve!

[Matron Vildrae readies her sword and steps backwards, tripping over an anvil, and her wig goes flying off. It is revealed that Matron Vildrae is also a male.]

[Everyone gasps again. Another long pause.]

Matron Vildrae: Well... this wasn't supposed to happen.

[Enter Matron Haeliira. A formidable drow matron of another house, returning from a holiday.]

Matron Haeliira: I'm back from my vacation in the Abyss! So, what's new? Wait, what's this? Males playing dress-up?

[Xyrthrin and Vildrae both point their fingers at each other.]

Matron Haeliira: It takes more than being a female to be THE matron of the Table, which neither of you would know anything about. Lolth has made it clear where you both belong... on the other side of this!

[Matron Haeliira picks up the anvil. She then throws the anvil and it goes flying, killing both Xyrthrin and Vildrae. As they both fall to the ground dramatically, Matron Haeliira cackles gleefully.]

The End.

        Day 21, Month 1 (Hammer (Deepwinter)), 188 AR (1388 DR)
        Valgloth Sh'yalva       

Love's Web

By Valgloth Sh'yalva, 185AR.

Scene I - The Spider's Web

[Enter Quenthel, a drow male who proudly walks into the Spider's Web tavern. At the other end of the tavern hall, an enchanting drow female, Xilthrae, sits patiently. Quenthel approaches Xilthrae while carrying a large crate.]

Quenthel: Mistress Xilthrae, the moon of my midnight heart, it is good to see you!

Xilthrae: (scoffs) The moon? We live underground, idiot.

[A large human paladin named Garrick stands up at a nearby table, his ears perking up.]

Garrick: Moon? Somebody say moon? A moondancer? Where?

[The drow ignore him, continuing their conversation.]

Quenthel: (nervously laughing) Oh, ha-ha... ha! Right. I mean, err, the fungus of my heart. You who thrives in darkness and can be deadly poisonous!

Xilthrae: Get on with it. What is it?

Quenthel: I come bearing a gift. I present to you... the most beautiful spider you've ever seen!

[Quenthel puts down the crate and opens the lid. It is empty. A long pause.]

Quenthel: I swear the spider was in here!

[Xilthrae pinches the bridge of her nose and shakes her head.]

Xilthrae: Pathetic.

[Xilthrae's eyes immediately lighten up when she finally turns to Garrick. She gestures for him to approach her.]

Xilthrae: You, human male! What would you do for the heart of a beautiful mistress like me?

[Garrick kneels before her.]

Garrick: Anything!

Xilthrae: Good! I hope you would never disgrace me like this drow male here, hmm?

[A giant spider suddenly falls from the ceiling, lands behind Quenthel, and taps his shoulder. Quenthel spins around and his eyes widen in fear.]

Quenthel: (voice shaking) A-Ah, there's the spider! My gift!

[Quenthel faints and hits his head on a nearby table. The large spider proceeds to devour him. Xilthrae cackles at the sight and gets up from her seat.]

Xilthrae: You, human. There's something special about you. Let's get to know each other better.

Scene II - By the Campfire

[Garrick is by a campfire, accompanied by another human paladin who is his trusted confidant.]

Garrick: ... She's unlike any woman I've ever met. Her skin is like black silk! Her eyes are like glowing rubies! And her smile-

Paladin: Here we go again. I'm reporting this to the Radiant Heart.

Garrick: You don't understand! Her skin is so dark and yet so smooth, like a perfectly cut obsidian. She's so mysterious!

Paladin: Garrick, she's a drow. She probably worships Lolth and-

Garrick: No, I can fix her! Besides, she's a moondancer! She said so!

[Suddenly, a giant spider jumps from behind some bushes. The spider taps the paladin on his shoulder, and he turns to face it. The paladin faints from shock and falls into the fire, where he begins to burn alive. The spider then grabs him and devours him.]

Garrick: (dramatically yelling) Love knows no bounds!

[Garrick runs off the stage.]

Scene III - A Romantic Request

[Garrick meets Xilthrae in the sewers below Andunor. Romantic candles are lit. The flickering light reveals a giant spider lurking in the background, aggressively knitting a spidersilk cloak.]

Garrick: My love, my dark rose! Say the word, and I shall prove my devotion!

Xilthrae: I might have something in mind...

[Xilthrae dramatically holds up a piece of parchment with a female elf drawn on it.]

Xilthrae: This elf, known as Neriphyra, has been hunting me for ages. Kill her and I shall give you the greatest gift you can imagine.

Garrick: (moved) The greatest gift? Your love?

Xilthrae: Yes, my sweet! I will give you the greatest love that you could hope for!

[The giant spider finishes the cloak and wraps it around Garrick.]

Scene IV - The Duel

[Garrick confronts Neriphyra, who has been hunting drow in the Underdark. Both parties have their weapons drawn.]

Garrick: You shall stop hunting my mistress, you fiend.

Neriphyra: (sniveling) Your mistress? Wait, you can't be serious. You mean that drow Xilthrae? Ha! I've always been jealous of her and of drow beauty! I will kill you both!

[Garrick and Neriphyra engage in a pathetic swordfight, each swinging and missing. They run around in circles and take turns chasing each other. Suddenly, a large spider emerges from behind a boulder and interrupts the fight.]

Neriphyra: (squealing) Eeeek! A spider!

[Neriphyra faints and falls. As she falls, she lands on her own sword, piercing her. The spider devours her and leaves only her ear behind. Garrick picks up the elf ear and holds it up triumphantly.]

Scene V - The Gift of Love

[Garrick, victorious, presents Neriphyra's severed ear to Xilthrae. He is covered in spider webs.]

Garrick: My love, I have done as you asked!

Xilthrae: Oh, Garrick, you are truly a hero.

Garrick: (blushes) I-I am?

Xilthrae: (sweetly) Yes. And now, for that the great honour...

[Xilthrae claps. A giant spider scuttles forth, its fangs dripping. Garrick blinks.]

Garrick: This is not what I had in mind.

Xilthrae: Oh, don't worry about her. She won't do anything to you.

Garrick: (relieved) Oh. Phew!

Xilthrae: Worry about me instead!

[Xilthrae draws a dagger and stabs Garrick repeatedly. Garricks falls backwards onto an altar. Xilthrae then rips out his heart and holds it above the altar.]

Xilthrae: Lolth tlu malla!

The End.

        Day 21, Month 1 (Hammer (Deepwinter)), 188 AR (1388 DR)
        Valgloth Sh'yalva       

A Drink to Remember

By Valgloth Sh'yalva, 188 AR.

Scene I - Mopping the Floor

[Enter Zakar, a male drow slave who begins mopping a puddle of blood on the floor. The slave's owner, mistress Veylanna, lounges on a nearby throne, filing her nails with a dagger. Veylanna lazily flicks some dust back onto the floor, just to irritate Zakar.]

Veylanna: You missed a spot.

Zakar: (muttering quietly) After years of verbal abuse, back-breaking slavery, and unsolicited spider-handling, the tables shall turn! One day I shall get you, and I shall be free!

Veylanna: Zakar! Why do I hear scheming?

Zakar: Scheming? No, Mistress! That was, uh, mopping! I was mopping menacingly!

[Veylanna eyes him suspiciously but shrugs. Zakar moves to go mop another puddle of blood nearby but slips on the blood and lands face first on the ground.]

Veylanna: Hey, I don't pay you to have breaks on the floor... mostly because I don't pay you at all! Get up. After you're done mopping, I expect a proper feast tonight. I'm hosting a special guest. A duergar that I owe millions to because he supplied me with tons of adamantine.

Zakar: Ah! Well, in that case, how about something special that will leave a lasting impression? I will prepare the perfect drink... a drink to remember.

Veylanna: Hmm. This does sound promising. Very well. Go impress me.

Scene II - Poison in the Kitchen

[The house chef, a frazzled halfling slave, is preparing some rothe steak. Zakar sneaks in, looking over his shoulder.]

House Chef: (gruff) What do you want?

Zakar: Oh, you know, just... helping. Being a valuable slave.

House Chef: (snorts) That's a first.

[Zakar discreetly pulls out a tiny vial of glowing green poison and starts searching for the chalices of wine to be served. He is sure to poison the drink of the mistress and not the guest.]

Zakar: (muttering) This is it. My moment. Veylanna will never see it coming!

House Chef: If you want to be useful, then hurry up with preparing that wine. The guest will be arriving soon.

[Zakar takes the chalices and begins making his way to the dining room. Zakar then slips on some water on the ground, and the chalices go flying. The house chef manages to catch the chalices mid-air as Zakar faceplants.]

Zakar: (huffing) Bah! Why does no one clean up these spills?

[Zakar gets up, takes the two chalices from the chef, and departs for the dining room.]

Scene III - Sips of Fate

[Zakar diligently tends to the feast being held between Veylanna and the rich duergar, who are sitting at opposite ends of the dining table.]

Veylanna: How's the food?

Rich Duergar: Hmph. Edible enough. Anyway, so, now about that coin you owe me...

Veylanna: Ah, I have it all ready for you after we finish our meal. Don't want to do business on an empty stomach, hmm? Have a drink, my slave prepared something special for us.

[Veylanna smiles and gestures to Zakar, who watches his mistress and her goblet attentively from the corner of the room. The rich duergar takes a sip from his chalice, and after a few moments, begins to curl in agony.]

Rich Duergar: (wretching) What... what... did you put in this?

Veylanna: Oh? You don't like the wine?

[The rich duergar falls off his chair and dies.]

Veylanna: (smiling, pleased) Thanks for cleaning up my mess for once, slave!

Zakar: (shocked and confused) I didn't do anything! He's been poisoned!

Veylanna: A shame that adamantine prices will now probably double. Anyway, I know that was intended for me. I switched drinks when you first left the room.

Zakar: I'm telling you it wasn't me!

Veylanna: If so, then drink my wine. Surely you didn't poison both?

Zakar: (voice cracking) Now, when you say 'drink' do you mean like, sip, or more like... pour it onto the floor?

Veylanna: Drink.

[Zakar slowly picks up the chalice. He lifts it to his lips and he downs a mouthful. A long silence. Then, sudden pain.]

Zakar: (gasping) Oh! Oh, that's some strong wine indeed!

[Zakar runs around in circles in the dining room before slipping on the floor and falling face-down.]

Veylanna: Oh, my dear Zakar. I never switched chalices. I poisoned his wine myself. However, you've poisoned yourself.

Zakar: (voice cracking) You knew?

Veylanna: (amused) Darling, you talk to yourself. Loudly. I heard your whole monologue from earlier.

Zakar: Cursed be my habit of exposition! I knew I should have left my rage and frustration to anonymous posting on the Hub Board. Bah! I hate you so much!

Veylanna: (grinning) And yet, you'll die thinking of me. Don't worry, Zakar, you were right. This will be a drink to remember. I'll remember you for at least, oh, one whole cycle maybe? Cheers!

[Zakar rolls over dramatically and dies. Veylanna raises the poisoned chalice in a toast to the audience.]

The End.

        Day 22, Month 1 (Hammer (Deepwinter)), 188 AR (1388 DR)
        Valgloth Sh'yalva