View source for The Princess's Bride (Gobbo Press)

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The Princess's Bride:

On the cover, in faded watercolour: Two Gobbo's Huddle by a small fire in a cave full of glowing mushrooms. One is fairly unremarkable with yellow eyes, the other orange eyes and very lopsided ears, both are dotted with glowing green fungus. They seem to be studying a crude map or page of some sort. In the shadows of the cave you can just about make out shapes, roughly Goblin, and lots of eyes watching the pair. Behind the cave scene "cutout" is a trail leading to a huge cave city dominated by a massive stalagmite castle, its ragged green banners flapping and illuminated by countless numbers of Goblin hearthfires.

"The Princess's Bride"

Is written in large bold print over the top of the image and various stamps of approval and reduced prices litter the cover. Notably a publishers stamp "The Goblin Press" and bearing the date 17 of 4's 182AR

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Bugle and Bitz, inseparable since the day both were dumped unceremoniously in the Communal gobbo snuggery. A haven for young Gobbo's, its floor piled deep with untold layers of vegetation and twigs long dead and dried. Various corpses dropped in from a crude shute or of those too stupid or weak to survive litter the space. Sitting atop mounds of gore and bone, hugely fat and constantly eating, massive Gobbo Brood Mothers ring the cave. Daring the younglings to seek their succor.

Bugle would always remember the first time he became aware of another being's existence. He was in the Snuggery. Chomping his way down a particularly long and leggy bug. Eyes closed, fully enjoying the "crunch-wriggle-squish" when all of a sudden "bop" his nose touches something. He remembers opening his eyes, immediately entranced by...

Bitz. His ears... Large, proud if only slightly lopsided. His strikingly bright orange eyes, just a bit too big for his head. Now, it is those very eyes that meet Bugle's own yellow gaze across a familiar pathway. Just then the sound they have been waiting for... The familiar "Clip-clop-ree-kchunka-kchunk" of a laden cart on the path. In practised unison the Goblins leap from their hiding spots! "YOUR BOOTS OR YOU LIFE'S!!". Laden with boots and miscellaneous spoils, their victorious laughter echoes off the walls of the cave city.

"You've been out with that no good "BITZ'S" agains?! Yes?!! YES IS SO'S!!! Can Smells them's all over you's!!" The kings great ringed hand cuffs Bugle upside the head leaving several small cuts that reluctantly open, slowly beginning to ooze then flow. "You's lucky you's is my son's!!..". Bugle feels the King's echoing voice chase him as he runs through twisting cavern keep, tears and blood streaming a trail behind him. 

Bitz soothe's Bugle. He tends Bugle's wounds, licking them clean and gently applying biting ants to suture them closed. They embrace by a small fire in a deep and isolated cave they found once as children. Though Bitz had originally heard tales of it from his family elders. Far enough from the cave city it had become "their spot". Bathed in the soft green glow of the caves mushrooms Bugle straightens himself, now looking very seriously at Bitz, Bugle proclaims "Bitz knows Bugle is will never marries nasties "Princess Oobie" no matter what fathers says. Is want be with Bitz". Bitz's sighs "Bitz is not from royal empire tribes like Oobies. Bitz is only Ratstomper. Is not life's for future kings Bitz will never has nice things... shiny things for Bugle." Bugle smiles and holds Bitz close "Beings with you's is all nice things Bugle is needs".

Although a small Gobbo "funeral" was held, Bitz's family gathering to toss the corpse, unceremoniously into the feeding chute, Bugle was unable to attend... forcibly and against his will. The King had of course deemed this "Great News!!" and immediately finalised marriage plans for his only son. He could now, afterall get his embarrassment of a son to be useful. Bugle's Marriage to Princess Oobie would firmly and finally cement his Tribe's ties to the much larger and older empire in the surrounding lands. As the final holdout to the larger empire he had always hoped to find a way to avoid the fate of the other tribes. For Bugle's part he would from then on hate his father more than anything and blamed him ,of course, for Bitz's untimely and sudden, if not outright suspicious death.

Married life leaves Bugle stumbling through daily tribal routine. Even his new bride can bring him no joy though she does try. One evening returning from a particularly  "hum-drum" night of raiding he enters his home nest and sees a beautiful Goblin Princess  nearly buried under a mouth watering mass of bugs and tiny creatures. They Chitter,wriggle and shlorp across her ochre flesh. He notices her ragged ears and sea monster teeth, truly the picture of goblin sensuality, beauty and desire. And every time Bugle wonders why he never feels the same as he did with Bitz.

Bugle tries for his part as well. Playing the part of "good Gobbo husband" as best he can. Princess Oobie never goes hungry, feasting on only the stinkiest and tastiest of carcasses. She wears Jewels and trinkets plundered from the greediest of surfacers. Some still attached to the original owners fingers, ears or other body parts too unsavoury to mention. He even shows her the cave that used to be "Their Spot" and though he does not speak of Bitz the memories come flooding back. The experience only deepens his sadness and widens the berth between them. 

Bugles stares out, beyond the assembled crowd of Gobbo's enthusiastically hanging on every word of some new drivel The King was currently speech-feeding them. Was that a hooded form that just crossed that doorway at the edges of his vision? He snaps from his bored half-trance but it's too late if something was there it's surely gone now. An odd sense remained however... something about that hood? Was it... just a little bit... "lopsided"?

The soft crackle of torchlight and unhurried flap-flap of small bare footsteps once again keep Bugle company on one of his many dejected, deep night rambles... "Shuffle-Scuffle, Woosh". Harshe flicker of wind whipped flame as he raises his torch to pierce the thick shade... There!! A Goblin sized form, lopsided hood and striking orange eyes flicker as if created by the torchlight itself, then gone just as quickly. "BITZ!!" Bugle squeal-screams through tears as he sprints to catch the form now running just ahead of him.

After uncountable twists and turns through tunnels and caves barely recognizable for the speed and chaos of the chase, Bugle skids to a stop behind the hooded Goblin who has, finally; run into a dead end. Though panting, Bugle manages "Bitz... is Bugle... Why... Is... you's runnings!?" The hooded figure begins to giggle, soft and sadistic... "Bitz!?" mockingly... "BITZ?! Oh BIIIITZ, is Buuuuuugle!!" the giggling becoming a full on, body shaking, cackle. The figure turns around and casts it's hood back...

"is GUBBINZ!! NOT BITZ!!! And now you's... be OUR's!!" The Goblins fully lopsided ears alone making Bugle certain that indeed this was not Bitz... Those eyes though... Identical. Bugle notices the word "Our's" and now looks around to see goblins emerging from the shadows one after another. All bearing menacing weapons and even more menacing looks. Gubbinz explains with mirth that he and his tribe are finally going to exact revenge for the murder of his brother Bitz at the hands of Bugle and his family. This being delivered during an exuberant beating, of course.

Bugle coughs up blood and teeth that spatter across the floor, mere inches from his face. He takes in a painful breath and stands, shakily at first but seeming to take strength from his own proclamation "This Bugle... *cough-Sputter* Son of... *cough* King of Shrooms is vow-promises *Cough-spits* PACTS to helps you's kills nasty, murderer king if is last thing will ever do's. Will do this... FOR BITZ!!!" he ends his proclamation seemingly five times his original size and steaming with the power of vengeance. The goblins, though a bit confused, find themselves caught up in the moment and begin cheering and doing the Goblin dance. Their Hoots and hollers fill a small cave just far enough away from the city with a soft green glow that Bugle, now recognizing; knows all too well.

"Is you's sure is here's??" Whispers a Goblin impersonating an apparently nervous bush. "Yes! Is So's! Secret informant says King be's going special place tonight's. Has to takes this roads. now SHHH's!!" Gubbinz hisses back from his own imitation of a pile of leaves... with perfectly natural Goblin arms and legs poking out of it. "Clip-clop-ree-kchunka-kchunk"...In practiced unison the Goblins leap from their hiding spots! This time no words. Just insane howls of frenzied bloodlust as they unleash exacting hatred on the King's carriage and it's meagre guard.

The King's massive frame bejewelled and overgrown with huge outcrops of glowing green fungus now broken and oozing chokes on his last breath as Bugle and Gubbinz drive home their wicked blades. In unison, softly... one in each ear... "For Bitz"... As the carriage burns behind them Bugle and Gubbinz stand close. Bugle once again staring into those same striking orange eyes "Is dones. Thankies Gubbinz". "is Gubbinz needs Thankies Bugle. Bitz is can rests now's" Finding themselves in each others arms Bugle coo's "and so's can we's". They lean into each other and just as their lips are about to touch...

"STOP THEM!! Kill The Traitors!!" Oobies voice rings out and Bugle turns to see, His own wife. She stands pointing towards him and Gubbinz with an army of loyal Goblins behind her...

Later that evening draped in beautiful purple fabrics ripped and shredded just so and surrounded by piles of treacherous Goblin teeth and fawning courtesans The Goblin Queen sits Idly picking her teeth with a painted nail still attached to a bejewelled sunlander's severed finger. "Princess... ahem, Queen Oobie is loves it when a plan comes together" Her cackle-giggle echoes off the throne room walls and down twisting cavern keep all the way to a small cave that glows no longer.

"[Goblin]: A cnut' r'und krub' 'odr a pok "U" kunnuuntonk a "D" on dr' c'ndn' unt a nuukr "|_|_|" above od."
[[Category:180-189 AR]]
[[Category:Periodicals]]
[[Category:Tales & Tomes]]